I truly treasure the fact that you believe I am capable of participating in a beauty pageant with the likes of Britney Spears and my lovely daughter. However, if I am going to compete, I’d appreciate it if you supply me with the appropriate accouterments’: evening gown, swim suit, and talent. Oh, and a copy of the rules, too, would have been nice. Who would have thought that my marriage disqualified me for competition?
A disappointed (but secretly relieved) 5th
Thank you for the manifestation of your love, mercy, and omnipotence these past few weeks. May I always remember this moment in time should I ever experience doubt or self pity again.
A humble and contrite 5th
It’s just not working out for me. I do believe that it would be best if we part ways. I wish I could tell you that I would miss the way you make my eyes itch and tear, or the way my nose would drip at the most inopportune times, or even those sudden sneezes that would catch me off guard and startle the dog...but that would not be true. I also wish I could tell you that it’s “me and not you”, that this is harder for me than you, or that someday, maybe, we can work things out...but I’d be lying. I even wish I could tell you that I will miss you. Unfortunately, both you and I know that won’t be the case. A clean break is best.
You may keep the tissues.
A soupy, sniffling, and snotty 5th
Dear Mourning Doves,
I respectively ask you to cease and desist in your taunting of the dog, especially during the early morning hours.
A sleepy 5th
Sleeping out on the deck 2 nights in a row? Is this how you plan on spending your Spring Break? You must be staying up really late at night and be extra exhausted if you can sleep through Daisy’s barking at taunting birds. Oh, and you’re going to have to get up pretty soon and do your chores if you want to see that movie this afternoon. Up and at’em!
Your mean Mama 5th
Have a happy Easter/Passover break, Everyone!