Monday, April 26, 2010

Monday Musings: April 26, 2010

I interrupt my regularly scheduled Monday Musings for this special edition.

As some of you may know, my mother suffered a mild stroke over the weekend. This is her 2nd stroke, with her 1st occurring back in the late 1990's. Additionally, she had a nasty bout of renal failure due to sepsis last fall. Both of my parents are in their 80's. Dad also suffered a recent stroke himself. All of this has contributed to this overwhelming need and deep desire I have to reconcile my past and present with them and with myself before it is too late. Today, I will share with you my letter to Mom.

Dear Mom,

I know I was a blubbering mess when I spoke with you Saturday night. There were many reasons for my state of mind. First and foremost was my concern for your state of health. I needed to be sure that you were okay.

Second, you told me how much you enjoyed my blog. Do you have any idea how much this pleased me? Especially after living in the shadows of the success of 1st and 4th Sisters. Additionally, my poetry and stories of late are windows to my soul: the personal growth and challenges I am currently facing. Despite my references to childhood woundedness and to the many facets and layers to the meaning of my words, you made sure to tell me that you enjoyed reading my writings. This was probably the most special gift you have ever given me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mom, there are so many things we need to reconcile, and come to terms with before it is too late. I want you to understand that I now know you did the very best you could under the circumstances. But I did not know your own personal battles and struggles when I, myself, was so very young. All I know is that I resented the attention lavished on 4th Sister. Because of all the attention bestowed upon her, in my mind I became the "forgotten child". Remember, Mom, I was but a child not able to reason that this was your way of protecting her. I am so sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

To further enhance my feelings of abandonment was when you decided you needed to take that evening/night shift job. In effect, I had no mother at home to raise me when I entered the formative junior high school years. You were asleep in the morning when we got ourselves ready for school and gone when we returned home. Mark and I were left to our own devices. Did you realize that during this time Dad taught me how to mix martinis so that I could fix them for him when he came home from work? The feelings of abandonment grew deeper. But I dared not act out...that was 4th Sister's way. I became quite adept at the "good girl" persona I had adopted as my defense mechanism.  Mom, I knew you were unhappy, depressed, but what could a 12 year old do?  I now know you took this job in preparation for the day you planned to leave Dad. I am so sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

Fast forward to the time not too long after you had left the morning Mark died...Mom, you asked that I stay with him the night before. I didn't. I was being selfish. I am so sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

Mom, I have also been neglectful in staying in touch with you. I have not been honest with you as well as myself. For over 30 years I have been running away, hiding from these feelings, these festering wounds. I guess running away was my way of numbing the pain...of burying it...of forgetting it. Funny thing about buried secrets...they have a way of coming back to haunt you.

Well enough. I am done running. I need to allow myself to finally feel the pain buried so long ago so that I can heal. I hope this somehow helps you do the same. I love you Mom. I'll be home as soon as I can. Then we will talk...face to face and heart to heart.

Love always,

Your #5


Brian Miller said...

sorry about your mom...hope she is alright. glad it has motivated you to air some things out with her...honest feelings there. hope this deepens your relationship even more. smiles.

Purple Flowers said...

Talking about issues is one of the best ways of clearing up anger, confusion, sadness etc. etc. You are so smart to do this now instead of later.
I tip my hat to you. Good Luck and God Bless.

Jephy's Mom said...

So sorry to hear about your mom 5th Sister. You've had a rough year. I hope you can find the peace you are searching for.

Julie Schuler said...

Sorry to hear about your mom's illness. I am glad that you are taking the opportunity to reconnect and clear the air.

Kathleen said...

Awww...{hugs}. May there be healing both physically and emotionally.

L.B. said...

Another deep and well-written piece, Polly. Thanks for sharing. It enriches all of us. I hope the best for your parents and hope your relationship with her becomes stronger.

Ms. Diva said...

Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt letter!! God bless you and your mom!!

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, *hug*. That took a lot, I know. I pray God helps mend any riffs between your mother and you. You are a strong, beautiful woman and the world is blessed for your being in it.

I will pray for your mother's recovery. I watched my own mother recover from a massive stroke when I was 12, it is never an easy road, I'm just thankful your mother has you to help.

God's blessings, my friend.

Mumsy said...

Prayer, and hugs to you, Polly!

I hope your mom is getting better everyday, and your time with her will heal your wound or lighten up a little.

(It's inappropriate for me to say this but I have tagged you, and if you don't do this sort of thing, it's fine too.)

Take care Polly and be gentle on yourself.

Weezer said...

Oh my. This isn't what I was expecting to find when I started catching up on all my blogger friends. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. It's a difficult time, but inevitable, when we have to start coming to terms with the mortality of our parents. Mine, too, are in their 80s and I often feel like each time I see them that it will be the last for them. It's always a sad time to leave them. I'll skip all the feeble remarks (like "God will only give you what you can handle") and tell you that I continue to pray for you and your family with specific prayers for your Dad. I will pray specifically for your mother and your relationship with her. You have such a good heart and God is on your side. Feel His arms around you and gather strength from knowing that you are never alone.
Hugs, dear friend. I've missed you.

Tina said...

Thanks for sharing that with us. You are very brave. I will be praying for this reconciliation with your Mom, and for her health.

Jenny said...

Oh Polly. I'm really sorry about your Mom. I can only imagine the tears you shed writing this letter...I hope at the end of it you felt some release from all the pain your heart has been carrying around.

Sending a big hug to you and some prayers of healing and reconciliation for both of you!

blueviolet said...

I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your mom. Your letter to her was beautiful, Polly.

Erin said...

First and foremost, I'm so sorry to hear that your mom had another stroke, and that both of your parents haven't been doing well...

This letter is beautiful, however. I'm so glad you are getting everything out and onto paper. I hope that talking in person will lessen your load. You need to unburden yourself. It sounds like you have been harboring so many feelings and it's time for them to come out.

You are an incredible person. She is lucky to have you as her daughter. And I feel blessed to "know" you and thank you for always sharing so openly and honestly here.

Tracy said...

wonderful, I truely need to do something like this for me for my mom

Ms Bibi said...

I am sorry to hear about your mom. I hope everything goes well and you two can get together soon and have your heart to heart.

You have such a way with words. Your writing and poems are inspiration to many as myself.

Cynthia@RunningWithLetters said...

SO sorry for what you are going awed by the transparency with which you shared your thoughts and emotions. Your honesty allows all of us the opportunity to reflect on our own circumstances, the things with which we should be confronting in our own lives. Thank you and blessings to you, my friend.

Holly said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. That coupled with your dad's stroke cannot make life easy at your house.

I am absolutely floored by your letter. I know you are an amazing writer, but the manner in which you shared all of those feelings and frustrations touched me deeply. The written word is so powerful.

I once had to write a letter to my parents to try and reconcile a situation and while I am not sure they understood it, it helped me tremendously.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Jingle said...

it is time for week 16 Thursday Poets Rally,
let me know if you wish to be a participant!
thank you.
you are represented a one of those fresh poet.

gayle said...

Thinking of you!!

Anonymous said...

i am hobby visual artist, possibly you like to use some of my photographs? i think it would be awesome and fit on your blog :-)
really enjoy your design! write me a mail please in case you want to see my photgraphs


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