Thursday, January 26, 2012

5th Sister Dreaming: Rehab

I was sent to a rehab facility. When I arrived it was time for dinner. I was surprised that the cafeteria was serving "luxury" meats such as prime rib, ham off the bone, etc. I have difficulty finding utensils for my food and a glass for the sweet tea. Someone pointed out a glass to me and I end up overfilling it. I proceed to look for a place to sit, still wondering how I was going to eat the food without utensils. As I walk across the white carpet my glass tips over spilling sweet tea everywhere. I am embarrassed, because I don't know how to clean up the mess.

As I just sit down to eat it is time for us find our rooms. I had left my passport and my binder at the cafeteria entrance. They are now gone and presumed stolen. I am fortunately able to find my room number off of a posted list in the hall: I was assigned to room 310. 

I enter room 310. Much to my disgust, there was a creepy white man having sex with (raping?) a large black woman named Kona. It appeared brutal. He is so smug of his sexual prowess and his ability to come often. He beats a hasty retreat when he sees that someone has entered the room. I quickly approach the woman, concerned, to see if she's all right. I ask if she was hurt. Her answer was no. I ask if it was consensual. She says yes, but with tears flowing from her eyes I know differently.

I'm now late for the first meeting. We are given an art project but I miss the opening instructions. The facilitator quickly went over them but I have a hard time understanding: something about painting in a series of strokes that represent our life's journey to the point where we are now. I misunderstood. I thought he said to use black paint for our brush strokes but in actuality we were  to begin with a black under painting. After which, any color could be used. So after fighting over worn out brushes with the crazy man (who was bragging about his sexual expertise) I finally have what I needed.

Although it was dusk, I decide to paint plein air. I gather my belongings and go outside to set up my work station. The only canvas available to me was one previously painted upon. Oh well, I wasn't going to let that deter me. I attempt to paint straight little strokes, with the black paint, but somehow ended up painting broad, sweeping, circular strokes...the type in which splattering occurs. As I continued on my art I was surprised to find other colors appearing on the canvas. I peered into my cup of paint. I discovered that as I used up the black paint near the top, other colors, bold and bright, were uncovered, bubbling to the surface. I stepped back from my painting to look at the whole picture: I had painted an abstract of a nude woman in repose. It was beautiful! Just then the counselor came to critique my work. He would pull up several canvases scattered about. It was difficult, yet I had to admit that they weren't my work. Then he picked up my painting...I was dismayed to see he was studying the front side, where the previous work had been painted, not the underside that I used for my work.

The next morning came quickly. I got up to out to walk, as that was what was required of newcomers. As I was walking my trail, I was asked to help out at the booth. This was a place, under a canopy, where people could come with their questions or concerns. I did as was asked. While seated at the table I received a phone call from an unidentified source. This person ordered me to get back out and walk...that I hadn't done the necessary work to belong at that table. I was embarrassed because I was only doing what was asked of me. I became very frustrated because I really didn't know the rules. 6 weeks was going to be a very long time.


Today I took a big risk sharing this with you. This is an actual dream of mine. Nothing added, nothing taken away. Purely unadulterated. Not sugar-coated in the least. If I can get pen down to paper, first thing in the morning, I have the basis for some serious self analysis, or pretty crazy stories. It is obvious that my dreams are ripe with metaphorical symbolism. The question always is…am I honest, open, and willing enough to take that good hard look at myself.


Sue said...

Fascinating dream, Polly.

I have learned a lot about myself from my dreams, and I often write them down. I thin this practice is uniquely helpful when it comes to figuring myself out and knowing what's going on with me beneath the surface.


Tina said...

I absolutely believe our dreams are trying to tell us something. We just don't always want to hear it, so we (I should say I) don't think about it too much. I try to hold on to the dream, to make a conscious effort to remember it, otherwise it's gone. However, there are some dreams that I'll never forget.
I applaud your risk taking in sharing this with us. But I'm not at all surprised you did. You are one of the bravest people I know.
P.S in case you haven't heard:

Tina @ Life is Good

Co-Host of the April 2012 Blogging from A to Z Challenge

Twitter: #atozchallenge

Brian Miller said...

wow there is some intensity to your dreams for sure...the rape scene...even just being in rehab...glad you captured would make for a very weird movie...smiles


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